This is pretty much how I feel every single day, despite the fact that it’s Easter holidays now. I wake up every morning or should I say noon time, feeling completely lousy about myself or just dreading the day ahead. Most people would do something about it, to challenge and motivate themselves. But what if I don’t even feel like motivating myself so that I can feel better every morning and wake up with a purpose? There’s probably something quite wrong inside me. I spend about 3 out of 24 hours daily on work and half of the rest of the time, sleeping or doing nothing particularly constructive. I don’t feel like I’ve given my best work for the two essays that I’ve completed so far. I’ve got two more to go and an exam to revise for; I feel like I’m just doing them for the sake of completing them. I think my ability to think and write cogent arguments is deteriorating like it’s summer already. I refuse to talk to my family about this because to them, it’ll just be another feeble attempt at asking them for help and advice. I don’t want them to think of me as overly-dependent on them, more than I already am. But I’m one of those people who need support from those around me and derive my motivation externally. Is there something wrong with me if I don’t have internal motivation like everyone else does?
Nights are the worst. I wile away my time aimlessly and constantly looking for inspiration and motivation on blogs, pinterest and tumblr, hoping that somewhere somehow I will be motivated to do my work and be purposeful in my daily existence. The only thing that keeps me going is counting down to the day I fly back home. 45 days to go. Even then, sometimes its not enough to get me going on my work and give it my best shot.
Nights are when the worst thoughts take up their dwelling in my head. I entertain possibilities and worst-case scenarios of all things I hold dear and they scare the living daylights out of me. Just the thought of things not turning out well or as I have hoped is enough to make me despair and lose hope.
I’m too scared to confront the pin-holes that have been poked in the veneer of my faith. Its hanging on so desperately, not knowing if what its clinging on to is even the right thing to hold on to in the first place. I’m afraid to think deeper as to why and what I think about the whole issue because I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I feel I’m standing precariously upon the edge of a cliff or in a house on the brink of collapsing, so afraid of free-falling into nothing yet not strong enough to stand firm on my own. This is why I avoid talking to those who have always been there to encourage me to walk the path that He has set out for me. Its not that I don’t appreciate their care but it’s that I can’t stand the way I feel when I do – ashamed for even feeling this way, annoyed because I know those things yet can’t live those truths out and depressed that it has come to this. I don’t even know what to label this.