#54 Out-stretched

To say that it’s been a long while since I last posted would be a severe understatement. I’ve got so much to say but here’s just a quick one to pen down my thoughts since it’s already past one over here. I’m writing as the words come to mind so please pardon the lack of thoughtfulness to language.
Term Two starts next Monday and though I say this every year, I honestly, especially don’t feel ready for it at all. With a dissertation to do from scratch, 3 presentations and 3 essays for the next few months, I’m beginning to feel like procrastinating to avoid the dreadful reality ahead. It’s no secret I’m organizationally-challenged, no less crucial for this term. Only God can help. I’m really jaded by anything studies-related this academic year. Knowing that I would like to go into marketing/communications that is completely unrelated to my degree makes it harder to feel motivated. Having to juggle my workload with searching and applying for jobs doesn’t help. At all.
strained hands
Discipline, routine and focus have always remained elusive for me as I’ve always wondered how does one even begin to have discipline? Some say one has discipline by just being disciplined. Profoundly simple but so difficult to achieve. For those reading this who are of faith, please keep me in your prayers, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 5 months without burning out or giving up. After receiving my grades for last term, first class honours seems even more of an illusion now. Good but never good enough.
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#53 Wisp

Once you lose credibility, it will never be regained.
Each word, said or unsaid, drives the wedge even deeper and wider.
What was once a roaring fire, became a flame with time, became a spark, became a wisp.
What was once broken, twice fixed, broke again and again into even smaller pieces.
What was once accepted as enough, is no longer enough.
A two-headed monster, each head fighting for the right to its own life
can only survive intact or risk death by splitting in two.
Self-destruction became mutual destruction.
No fixing, no healing possible.
Falling down an abyss for what feels like forever
How do you know where and when is rock bottom
The light isn’t enough to overcome the darkness
For what will soon become embers will become obliterated
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#52 Lapse

Perhaps somewhere deep inside, I’ve already given up long ago.
I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
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#51 Some Truths

Following a week plunged into that abyss of undesirable emotions, I’m grateful at least for some truths that emerged out of it. Some were old, some were new but all of them concepts and ideas were actually very simple to grasp. What makes them difficult to live out is perhaps the fact that I’ve underestimated these truths and taken them for granted.

1) We are always in need of inspiration, people to look up to and goals to keep us going.
2) Dedication, precision, passion and hard work goes a long way, no matter what it is you put your hand to, even in the daily routine of getting dressed for the day. It’s about taking pride in everything you do.
3) People who love you will never give up on you. {you know who you are}
On that note, I’m really grateful for the people God put in my life, especially for those who were there for me, patiently listening and encouraging me to press on. With one more essay and an exam to go, an impending sore throat and cold, a very messed up body clock that has taken to sleeping at 4am and waking up at 1am, the continuous rainy weather we’ve been having for the past two weeks, countless online distractions in the form of fashion blogs and online shopping – more than ever, I need to focus on God, on discipline in fixing myself, on finishing this first academic year well.
One more month.
To you: I’m sorry that you’ve had to put up with all these for the past month. Thank you for being so patient and loving. I can’t wait to see you soon.
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#50 Questionable foundations

This is pretty much how I feel every single day, despite the fact that it’s Easter holidays now. I wake up every morning or should I say noon time, feeling completely lousy about myself or just dreading the day ahead. Most people would do something about it, to challenge and motivate themselves. But what if I don’t even feel like motivating myself so that I can feel better every morning and wake up with a purpose? There’s probably something quite wrong inside me. I spend about 3 out of 24 hours daily on work and half of the rest of the time, sleeping or doing nothing particularly constructive. I don’t feel like I’ve given my best work for the two essays that I’ve completed so far. I’ve got two more to go and an exam to revise for; I feel like I’m just doing them for the sake of completing them. I think my ability to think and write cogent arguments is deteriorating like it’s summer already. I refuse to talk to my family about this because to them, it’ll just be another feeble attempt at asking them for help and advice. I don’t want them to think of me as overly-dependent on them, more than I already am. But I’m one of those people who need support from those around me and derive my motivation externally. Is there something wrong with me if I don’t have internal motivation like everyone else does?
Nights are the worst. I wile away my time aimlessly and constantly looking for inspiration and motivation on blogs, pinterest and tumblr, hoping that somewhere somehow I will be motivated to do my work and be purposeful in my daily existence. The only thing that keeps me going is counting down to the day I fly back home. 45 days to go. Even then, sometimes its not enough to get me going on my work and give it my best shot.
Nights are when the worst thoughts take up their dwelling in my head. I entertain possibilities and worst-case scenarios of all things I hold dear and they scare the living daylights out of me. Just the thought of things not turning out well or as I have hoped is enough to make me despair and lose hope.
I’m too scared to confront the pin-holes that have been poked in the veneer of my faith. Its hanging on so desperately, not knowing if what its clinging on to is even the right thing to hold on to in the first place. I’m afraid to think deeper as  to why and what I think about the whole issue because I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I feel I’m standing precariously upon the edge of a cliff or in a house on the brink of collapsing, so afraid of free-falling into nothing yet not strong enough to stand firm on my own. This is why I avoid talking to those who have always been there to encourage me to walk the path that He has set out for me. Its not that I don’t appreciate their care but it’s that I can’t stand the way I feel when I do – ashamed for even feeling this way, annoyed because I know those things yet can’t live those truths out and depressed that it has come to this. I don’t even know what to label this.


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#49 What a Man wants in a Woman

I just came across this written by someone named Dan Bode. I felt absolutely compelled to share it here because the following except contains truths that women (and men) really need to hear:
“…So as a man, what would I like to see in a woman?
Someone who sees herself as valued already, and isn’t afraid of being honest about who she is.
Someone who isn’t afraid to insist on being treated fairly, and treat him fairly in turn.
Someone who will allow a man to show his emotions without fear, because the comforting circle of the arms of a woman who loves him is a powerful thing – whether he will ever admit it or not.
Love requires Forgiveness. 
When we participate in romance we are living out our fantasies of being in love with our perfect match – but since no one is perfect we have to apply Grace to cover the others faults and fall in love again with this person who, while not nearly perfect, is indeed our perfect match. 
What does a man really want?
He wants a beautiful woman, but not the beautiful woman you might think.
If you as a woman wish to see beauty then go and take off the makeup. Look in the mirror.  This is the face of beauty, but you must learn to see it in yourself.  See yourself without the blinders of this world’s definition.  See yourself as God intended you to be.  Act as though you are as beautiful as anyone else around you.  The man who recognizes that beauty in you is the one who knows what he wants and will strive to meet your needs with what he has to offer you.  (There is a caveat to this whole argument: many men in today’s society are completely blind to true beauty, but you’re better off ignoring them.  That man will only cause you pain.)
As hard as it is, please be patient with us.
You will find each other when you are supposed to.
Because in the end, what a man wants isn’t nearly as important as who you are meant to be.”
We need to remind ourselves that beauty isn’t what we’ve been conditioned to believe but rather, what God says it is. Somehow as women, our natural insecurities refuse to believe that THAT beauty already exists within us. It manifests itself not in physical appearances nor mere social graces but in upright character and unwavering confidence that comes from faith.
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#48 Destructive

Humans just have an uncanny knack for destroying something meant to be beautiful. Yet we remain so helpless in the face of the destruction at our hands and invariably, at our own annihilation.

Outstretched for hope.
I miss You, God.
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